Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
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both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
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I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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