If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
