I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
