yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
