god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Randomize