Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
