In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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