My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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