I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
