Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
