dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
