Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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