Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
