My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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