And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Panties = found
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