how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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