My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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