At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
birth control should be required to get into college
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
