filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I intend to get homeless drunk
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
