I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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