Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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