Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
