Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
