the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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