She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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