wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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