So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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