So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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