why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
