i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
