ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
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stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
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I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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