I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
