my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
