I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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