i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
