I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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