Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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