drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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