I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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