She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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