It's like a parade of train wrecks.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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