Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
