tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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