i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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