he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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