Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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