One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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