he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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