i just sent this text using only my big toe
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
