I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I look excited, but its just a facade.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
