i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
