mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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