Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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