she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize