Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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