It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just gargled with NyQuil
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
