I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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