A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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