I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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