I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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